(with review and supplemented by Rebecca Rushmore, special education
schoolteacher also with a Master’s Degree in school counseling)
Our oldest child has an issue with punishment. We have spanked her, used scare tactics, forced physical fitness (push-ups) and now have begun to have her write short messages of remorse. Nothing seems to shame her. I don’t want to make her hate her mother and me; I just want her to respect our direction for her.
There are some constants and there are some variables in childrearing. Definitely, a primary variable is that each child is different – even in the same family. Just when a mom and a dad think they have something figured out respecting parenting, another child comes along and doesn’t play by the same rules.
Some of the variables regarding the inconsistent behavior between children are owing to the uniqueness of a child’s individual personality. Often overlooked, other variables affecting child behavior have to do with at what time in the life of the family and what environmental circumstances differ from when other children entered the family. At what age are the parents? What are the living conditions? Are these happy days, or stressful times? Are grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and friends in the picture? Are both parents working out of the home? The answers differ at least slightly between the introduction of each new child into the family unit.
The constants in childrearing include these considerations. Ultimately, the father of the family has the responsibility for childrearing; “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 NKJV). “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Yet, the mother usually has the most daily interaction with the children and experiences a weighty responsibility for childrearing; Lois and Eunice, the grandmother and the mother of Timothy were primarily responsible for his godly rearing (2 Timothy 1:5), especially since Timothy’s father appears to not have been a believer in God (Acts 16:1-3). The mother, then, works in concert with the father in childrearing – they are on the same page. Every wise husband listens to the recommendations of his wife and the mother of his children, but childrearing is doomed to failure if father and mother are not agreed upon how to raise their children. It is absolutely necessary for both father and mother to present themselves as a unified front to their children. Children need to understand that their father is the ultimate source of family authority as it pertains to them, and that their mother fully cooperates with him (Titus 2:4-5) in acting according to the children’s best interest (Hebrews 12:7-11).
Notice these additional biblical passages assigning to the father the role of responsibility for the guidance of his children. “For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the Lord, to do righteousness and justice, that the Lord may bring to Abraham what He has spoken to him” (Genesis 18:19). “Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, And give attention to know understanding” (Proverbs 4:1).
In addition to parental responsibility, children, too, have the responsibility to participate in their own upbringing. Consider again Proverbs 4:1, “Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, And give attention to know understanding.” Add to that Ephesians 6:1-2, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother…” Note also, “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord” (Colossians 3:20). A child does not have to mature enough to be responsible for obeying the Gospel of Christ to be sufficiently aware that God expects him or her to obey mommy and daddy.
It is possible to discourage our children (Colossians 3:21) or to be too harsh with them (Ephesians 6:4). Not every disappointing action by one’s child needs to be a battleground, but sometimes it is more important to choose the battles worth fighting – incidents that have or could have significant consequences. Yes, open defiance and flagrant disrespect qualify as sufficiently significant because they undermine mom and dad’s whole program of family discipline, which is intended for the welfare of the children. Certainly, not every misdeed needs to be punished in the same way; not all offenses deserve the same degree of parental reaction. Too, discipline ought to take into consideration not only the infraction but also the age and understanding of the child.
Probably one of the most useful tools in the parental toolbox of childrearing is consistency. This applies not only to the rules children are expected to follow, but also to the consequences for breaking the rules. There needs to be consistency in the application of discipline for disobedience. However, children must be informed what is expected them before they could obey or truly be said to disobey. Mom cannot have one set of rules while Dad has another set of rules. Further, Mom and Dad cannot each apply different consequences for breaking the same rule. Likewise, the same consequences should be applied each time the rule is broken, not just when the parent feels like enforcing the rules. Mom and dad need to be consistent in application of discipline.
Structure is companion to consistency. Children need a stable daily routine. This does not mean that a routine cannot change for special occasions or that it has to be the same every day of the week. Routines on the weekend probably will reflect different needs and activities than during the week when children may be in school. The normal routine for most weekdays may need to change to allow for attendance at Wednesday evening Bible class. Routines may even be different for each child to accommodate different abilities or individual needs. If a stable routine is established in the home, changes in routine for special occasions should not cause any difficulty, especially if children can be told in advance about any changes. The combination of structure and consistency will provide a home environment that will allow most children to require only mild corrective discipline with an occasional stronger consequence.
Timing for discipline is equally important. “Chasten your son while there is hope…” (Proverbs 19:18). Begin early to acquaint children with family rules and hold them accountable to them. Naturally, as a child matures, the rules will mature along with them. It does not work well to introduce discipline all of a sudden into the life of a child; from before they can possibly understand the reason why, parents need to guide their children with age-appropriate firmness.
Methods of discipline vary widely, and they should vary widely even within the same family. Parental response to misbehavior ought to correspond to the nature of the misbehavior. In addition, different types of discipline work better with different children, even within the same family. A cross look will adequately correct some children under some circumstances. Corporal punishment is in God’s book on rearing children, and when and if necessary, it ought to be at least in every parent’s tool chest; having sometimes experienced a spanking (not mistreating a child), some children will improve their deportment simply when reminded of the prior experience. “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15). “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Proverbs 29:15).
Mothers and fathers must remember who the parents are! Though children may say hurtful and even hateful things that wound mom and dad, the parents still have the responsibility before God to rear their children in godly fashion. Remember, mom and dad, it is not your primary role to be friends with your children! “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). It is your God-given role to properly instruct your offspring, and God will deem you blameworthy for not correcting them when needed, as was the case with Eli (1 Samuel 3:13). It is true, though, that one’s children can choose for themselves to pursue wickedness, as was the case with the sons of Samuel (1 Samuel 8:1-5). However, training our children from a young age greatly improves the likelihood of their faithfulness (Proverbs 22:6). Sometimes, it is the father’s sorrow overshadowed with joy to receive the prodigal home again (Luke 15:11-32).
Obviously, parents are not limited to cross looks and spanking as the only means of correcting their children. Parents may need to experiment with several punitive measures, any one of which is applied – not because mom or dad is angry – for the physical, psychological or spiritual well-being of the child. Curtailing privileges (e.g., favorite TV show, video game, grounding, social event with friends, etc.) is one such possible path. However, discipline is not all punitive in nature. The verb “discipline” also means “to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control” (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary). Discipline is teaching, sometimes negative and even punitive instruction, and yet at other times, discipline is positive coaching. Both reward and punishment ought to be partners in family discipline. Reward children with positive reinforcement for successes and administer offense and age-appropriate punishment for violations of the parental rules.
Finally, let’s note some other practical considerations. Is the child misbehaving at school, or just at home with mom and dad? Is the child acting out in response to perceived or genuine bad behavior on the part of parents, other relatives or friends? Are mom and dad consistent and unified in their approach to discipline? Why is the child misbehaving? Knowing why the child is disobeying his or her parents is the first step in rectification of the problem. Mom and Dad, buckle down, do your best, don’t relent. Be the parents. Use God’s operators’ manual for life, including parenting. Sometimes outside resources may be helpful, depending upon the age of the child, the degree of unruliness, the seriousness of the consequences for the child’s rebellion, etc. Don’t hesitate to resort to the aid of elders, Christian counselors (or counselors with a Christian perspective), law enforcement, judiciaries, whatever is appropriate for the scenario you are facing and that is age-appropriate. We don’t get any do overs in life, and we don’t (unfortunately) get any do overs in parenting either.
Ideally, children should obey their parents because they love their parents and do not want to disappoint them. When childish love fails to manifest itself in self-discipline, it is up to the parents to bring children into compliance with the unpleasant – for child and parents – side of discipline. Family mechanics are the backdrop for the elder (and the elder’s wife) preparation for appointment to the eldership; “one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)” (1 Timothy 3:4-5). Family mechanics are the basis of the scenario of Divine interaction with the children of God (Hebrews 12:5-11). One cannot overestimate the importance of the mechanics of parenting!
