My husband and I are Christians and need direction on our responsibilities to a young man in need. Kyle is now 17 1/2 and has been living with us for 7 months. Neither parent’s new spouse will allow him to live in their home, nor does either parent provide for him. They did not remember his birthday or Christmas and do not call or visit to check on him or offer us financial assistance. I feel sorry for Kyle and so far, I have been willing to provide for him, but I feel we have become enablers. He has been kicked out of alternative school and does not work. He runs around until the wee hours of the morning and then sleeps until afternoon. We have not charged him anything to live in our home and I know he can’t afford to live on his own, but I am ready to issue an ultimatum: get his GED and work or join the military OR find another place to live. My husband thinks it’s too harsh and not scriptural and that we would not be fulfilling our obligations as Christians. Can you help? Thank you. Cathy R. Davis
From the information you provided, Kyle was 16-years-old when he came to live with you. Probably then, if not still and at least until he turns 18, his parents had or have a legal obligation to be financially responsible for his health and welfare. Though it seems that Kyle’s parents have evaded their legal responsibilities, they cannot as easily evade their moral (biblical) responsibility toward Kyle (1 Timothy 5:8). Despite Kyle’s family problems or even Kyle’s misbehavior, it appears that Kyle’s parents are no more responsible than their son is. While that doesn’t excuse Kyle, it may help explain his irresponsibility, in addition to the inexperience of youth.
It is admirable that you and your husband have stepped forward to attend to Kyle as he makes the transition from childhood to adulthood. Apparently, though, he is not helping you help him. It remains a fact of life that we cannot help anyone successfully that does not determine to help himself.
Several New Testament passages indicate that opportunity equates to responsibility, including in the realm of benevolence. One portrait of the great Judgment pictures the distinction between those ultimately lost and those and ultimately saved eternally based on whether they practiced benevolence (Matthew 25:31-46). The apostle Paul in Galatians 6:10 wrote, “As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith”; benevolent Christian responsibility begins from Christians to Christians but may extend to others as well as opportunity permits. James, the brother of our Lord, penned, “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin”; of course, that message applies to more than benevolent opportunities and addresses sins of omission in general.
However, Scripture further tempers Christian benevolent responsibility with two additional considerations: need and one’s willingness to help himself if he can. Notice the following Scriptures specify benevolence was provided based on need. “And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need” (Acts 2:45). “And laid them down at the apostles’ feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need” (Acts 4:35). The next passage teaches that an accountable person is obliged before God to see to his own needs if he has the capability to do so. Otherwise, he is blameworthy before God and man.
“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies. Now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread. But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing. And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet count him not as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:10-15).
Were Kyle an unaccountable child or mentally incapacitated irrespective of his age, adults would have legal, financial and moral responsibilities toward him in spite of misbehavior and irresponsibility. If, though, Kyle is no child in age or mind, then Kyle bears some personal responsibility for himself. Since Kyle apparently has an ongoing track record of not taking responsibility for himself, and he will soon enter the real world on his own, ready or not, a person or persons must act as the catalyst to move Kyle in the right direction. That may occur by nudging him into accepting some responsibility through some hard choices he is prompted to make (if he respects you enough to be influenced by you). It may be that other catalysts will need explored that cannot as easily be ignored (e.g., children’s services, a court ruling, a warning from local police, etc.).
This is not easy to pen and it is harder to experience; ultimately, you’ll have to do the best you can based on all available information. I hope that some of what I wrote helps you toward a happy ending.
