In relationships, individuals bring particular skill sets or talents. This dynamic naturally leads to individuals taking on specific roles within the relationship. Healthy relationships have healthy roles. For example, a godly wife (Ephesians 5:22; 1 Peter 3:1-6) and mother (Proverbs 31) demonstrates healthy roles in her relationships. The God-fearing woman is able to build genuine self-worth, identity, security and achievement. In this healthy relationship, “her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Proverbs 31:28), which leads to a mutually beneficial and balanced relationship.
Relationships, however, can become unbalanced when individuals develop unhealthy ways to nurture their feelings of self-worth and identity based on the problems of another person in the relationship. This creates a codependent/dependent relationship, and these relationships are always unhealthy. This often occurs when one person in the relationship (the dependent) continually demands extra attention and allows someone else (the codependent) to constantly sacrifice his or her own needs to meet the other’s desires. The dependent displays negative traits, such as narcissism, addiction, manipulation or abusiveness. Consequently, the codependent always attempts to appease or enable the dependent. This overwhelming attempt to meet the dependent’s unreasonable demands causes the codependent to lose his or her individual identity and healthy value, as well as to become identified merely by one’s relationship with the dependent. The codependent places a greater value on meeting the demands of the dependent for so long that the codependent takes on the role of martyr, a role by which he or she now identifies his or her self-worth.
Samson exhibited codependency in his relationship with Delilah in Judges 14-16, which ultimately led to his demise. Even though Delilah had deceitful ulterior motives, Samson continued to sacrifice his godly standards because he valued the relationship with Delilah more than his obedience to God (Judges 14:1-3). Just like Samson, codependent people become so fixated on perceived values in the relationship that they cannot recognize the destruction, even though it is evident to casual observers.
Many times when the dependent attempts to confront and overcome his own vices (1 Corinthians 10:13; James 1:13-14), the codependent will actually sabotage the efforts. This unhealthy response is from the fear of losing one’s identity and self-worth, as well as the value received from enabling the dependent. The unspoken question is often, “If you get healthy, what will I do?”
Codependent/dependent relationships can exist between husband and wife, parents and a child or in any close relationship. The more enmeshed the relationship, the more difficult the problem is to recognize and fix. However, these relationships can be restored to a healthy balance.
The transition from a codependent relationship to a healthy relationship begins with confronting the issue, and this transition is always painful (Proverbs 20:30). Recognizing and admitting our failures hurts (2 Corinthians 7:10), and it is often difficult to hear that our efforts, as sincere as they may be, have been enabling the sinful behavior of the dependent (Galatians 4:16). Christians should be thankful for those admonishing brothers and sisters in Christ who help us live godlier lives. The next step is to establish boundaries within the relationship. These guarded parameters will help everyone to understand where the line is between healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Finally, codependents need to develop healthy alternatives to find and establish their identities and self-worth, so they will have strength to stand against negative and sinful behavior and end the cycle of codependency.
