Even after six years, a trigger can unexpectedly and from almost any source ignite a teary twister of emotional emptiness within my very core. That ignition may result, for instance, from the lyrics of a song on the radio, an unanticipated scene in a movie, mail arriving addressed to my late wife Bonnie, fixing my gaze on her photos, going to some of the places and doing some of the things we had done, or simply reminiscing with others or just with myself about our lives and adventures.
The loss of my soulmate and the wife of my youth (Proverbs 5:18), though somehow more tolerable with the passing of time, nevertheless, remains an open wound of which I’m always at least nominally conscious. Bonnie was 16 years old and I was 19 years old when we wed. Evidently, I was the husband of her youth, too, and we grew up together.
We reared three children, with hardly an idea of what we were doing. Any successful attainments they may have accrued doubtlessly occurred despite our best efforts in parenting. My family and I traipsed across and crisscrossed several states over nearly half a century while I preached the Gospel of Christ. Later in life, Bonnie and I trekked through tropical environments in Asia and South America as missionaries – until and even after cancer afflicted my lifelong sweetheart.
Three days before embarking on yet another excursion abroad for up to two months, we got the results of Bonnie’s routine checkup. The cancer returned with a vengeance! Her health steadily declined over the next eight months.
Bonnie Sue Rushmore only registered two complaints – only two! At first, she could hardly bear me doing everything that needed to be done around the house and caring for her; she was always actively doing something – a lot of things and more than people often could imagine one person doing. Bonnie was my helper (Genesis 2:18) in everything – in the yard, on the roof or in church work. Secondly, when her untimely demise was undeniable, she uttered in a weak and quivering low voice, “But I’m not done yet.” Bonnie was writing class material and religious articles within days of her death. She didn’t quit until her body did!
The last day Bonnie was alert and before loosing consciousness, she thanked me. Bonnie said, “Thank you for saving me. If we had not married, I would have never heard the Gospel and obeyed it.” Though a time of anguish, we rejoiced in her salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. Then and later, I shuddered to ponder whether I had truly led Bonnie to a home on high with God in Heaven or had I failed her in some way. The weight of the responsibility for another’s soul – particularly someone so dear and loved – is stifling.
Life goes on – until it doesn’t! Martha – Bonnie’s best friend – and I press on. “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV). Forasmuch as Bonnie was the wife of my youth, Martha is the wife of my old age. We continue my ministry and serve as missionaries abroad in Asia and South America.
Neither underestimate the scope your influence nor the weighty responsibility that comes with it. Bonnie said, “Thank you for saving me.”
