It has been noted that when we lose a parent, we lose our past. Most of us expect to outlive our parents. How did we feel when that expectation became a reality? That was the first question that this writer’s husband asked when my mother died. “How do you feel?” My reply was, “I don’t know.” We remained in total silence for quite a while.
Perhaps your parents lived long and fulfilling lives, but that did not necessarily make it any easier to say goodbye! Even the fact that you may have been anticipating their death does little to prepare you for living without them; life will never be the same.
The account of the death of Sarah, Isaac’s mother, is tender indeed. Isaac was only 37-years-old when Sarah died (Genesis 17:17). His father Abraham took steps to ensure Isaac’s comforting as recorded in Genesis 24.
- Sarah died at the age of 127 (Genesis 23:1-2).
- Abraham sent his oldest servant back to the country of his family to take a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24:1-62).
- Isaac had gone out to meditate in the field in the evening. Rebekah saw him and asked the servant who the man was. The servant told her that was his master. So Rebekah took a veil and covered herself (Genesis 24:63-65).
- “And the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death” (Genesis 24:66-67).
Most individuals expect their parents to die before them, but few are really prepared for the loss. The intensity of your grief may surprise you, especially if you were anticipating the death of an ill or elderly parent. The recognition that your father or mother lived a long, full life or was released from pain and suffering does not make your loss easier to bear. A parent’s death is particularly difficult because:
- You are losing someone who has known you longer than anyone else.
- The parent-child bond is irreplaceable.
- It reminds us of age-related health issues in our lives and of our own mortality.
- It may surface unresolved family issues and conflict among survivors.
- You may now feel responsible for supporting and caring for your surviving parent.
- If you depended on your parent for regular advice, information or encouragement, it may be difficult to move on without that support. (When A Loved One Dies 8-9).
How Certain Biblical Siblings
Dealt with the Death of their Father
There are times when the death of parents can bring about a healing of relationships. Such was the case in the lives of these biblical families.
- Isaac and Ishmael buried their father Abraham. At Sarah’s urging, Abraham had to send Ishmael and his mother Hagar away when Ishmael was just a teenager (Genesis 25:1-10)!
- Jacob and Esau buried their father Isaac. When they both were young, Esau had determined that he would kill his brother Jacob once their father was dead (Genesis 35:27-29)!
- Joseph and his brothers buried their father Jacob. During their earlier lives, Joseph’s brothers had sold him into Egyptian slavery (Genesis 49:28-50:1-14)!
After their death, it is crucial that your parents or any loved one is remembered exactly as they were. Recovery and healing that affects healthy grieving includes:
- No enhancing of their good traits.
- No downplaying of their faults.
- Talking about the things they did/said that made you glad and you still laugh.
- Talking about the things they did/said that made you mad and you still laugh.
In his book, Growing through Grief, Bill Flatt references in his book, “Mental Health and the Bible” features of the shock stage. “One may withdraw from people, become aggressive, cry profusely, clam up, bottle up grief, do strange things, deny the death, distort the truth by claiming perfection for the one who has died” (18 emphasis added).
Randy Becton’s article, “Grief Work,” makes these observations in “Accepting Bereavement, The Healing Process of Grief.” “A symptom of acute grief is the complaint that things seem to be unreal. There is a feeling of increased emotional distance from people. There is also a sense of preoccupation with the image or memory of the deceased. Many people will idealize the deceased person, sometimes beyond recognition” (15, emphasis added).
For this writer, Psalms is the “go to” inspired book for facing and accepting loss and choosing to follow God’s lead as He directs a changed pathway of life. “Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth” (Psalm 124:8).
Works Cited
Flatt, Bill. Growing through Grief. Nashville: Gospel Advocate, 1987.
“When A Loved One Dies: Coping with Grief.” San Antonio: The USAA Educational Foundation, 2012.
Becton, Randy. “Grief Work.” Accepting Bereavement, The Healing Process of Grief. Nashville: 21st Century Christian, 1999.
