My husband and I are both members of the church. This is my second marriage and after many years of studying, I feel we are in an unscriptural marriage. We have been married 22 years and have three children. We have a wonderful marriage and family and love each other very much. I also love God and want to do what is right so that I can someday have eternal life with Him. Could you please advise me on how to handle this situation? Would a divorce be necessary or could we continue to live together but no longer share the same bedroom and have sexual relations?
A divorce would present several problems. Financially, it would be very hard for us to have two households. We have a large room we could turn into an apartment for one of us. This would save us from upkeeping another home. I have never worked outside the home so I would not have health insurance. I have an illness called systemic lupus which makes it hard to get insurance. My husband now has me under his insurance at work. Of course, emotionally, it would be so hard on the entire family.
I have read many articles on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Not one has dealt with the problem of how to get out of an unscriptural marriage and how it affects the family. I would greatly appreciate your help and look forward to hearing from you soon.
P.S. Please recommend any books that might help me find some answers.
First, you are to be commended for having the moral courage to evaluate the scripturalness of your marriage. Your willingness to bend your emotions and will to comply with divine legislation, no matter how painful, is laudable. In so doing, you have triumphed already over the greatest hurdle to a heavenly hereafter.
Second, the infallibly safe course would be to cease living together as wife and husband, that is, separate. (A legal divorce may not be necessary as God does not consider you married anyway and the world about us couldn’t care less.) At one point in Jewish history, the Jews had married foreign wives to whom children were born, who the prophet Ezra commanded the people to put away.
“We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law” (Ezra 10:2-3).
Third, whether God would approve your proposal (i.e., continuing to live as a family in the same house without the benefits of sexual relations) is a matter of human judgment. Let me hasten to say that God is not bound by human judgment in this regard, but that it is a matter of human judgment whether God would approve this solution to an unscriptural marriage.
I was apprised through second hand information that several years ago a renown and studied preacher among us counseled a couple in the same predicament in which you find yourself to do just as you propose. After several years and before the death of one them, the one dying assured the same preacher that they had successfully honored that vow from the time they made it.
However, I have personal knowledge of two other couples in the same situation, from two different congregations, who attempted the same and succumbed to sexual relations again. The one young couple had another baby, evidencing their failure to keep their vow, and eventually moved their membership to a congregation that disregards biblical teaching regarding marriage, divorce and remarriage. The other couple also found it impossible for them to abstain from sexual relations and finally left the Lord’s church.
In any case, the two of you have incurred moral and financial responsibilities, as you acknowledge (i.e., both of you toward your dependent children and he toward you).
Fourth, as you are well aware, whatever decision the two of you make has eternal consequences. Ultimately, the two of you will have to make the decision and bear the responsibility for it before God, as I am positive you are aware.
I wish that I could give you more definitive information on which you could make this momentous decision for yourselves and your children. I would like to think that your proposal would be a satisfactory resolution to your dilemma, one which God approves, but I cannot be completely sure.
Last, even attempting your proposal is fraught with great temptation (probably more than were you two to part). “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it” (Matthew 19:12).
